Its funny to think about how much has changed within this last year. Ive had people come and go with in the year. Ive had my best friend leave and move half way across the country and yet we are still just as close as we ever were when he was here, and no doubt when he/if he comes back we will pick up right where we left off. I’ve fallen for guys who were nothing but but a pain in my ass and created so many memories with them but have hurt me more than once and have taught me so many lessons in our time together. I’ve taught myself not to care, even when i should (though i’m not sure if this is a good thing or not). I’ve been playing and starting here and for the first time in years I have enjoyed playing. The change has come from many areas in my life. Its a juggling act with me. Finding what I want and getting to how I want to get to it,
Whats funny is that I used to think the shitty relationships that I have had were what I deserved. I was in a place of self destruction where the only place I was able to feel was when I was hurting and I kept myself in that cycle, to make myself feel a little more alive. Now like I have said, change is in the air. I have realized that i can feel without hurting. I’ve realized I deserve to wake up with a text of “good morning :)” and the question of “how did you sleep? and to go to bed with a text of “good night :)”. It may sounds cheesy but it makes me feel calm knowing that I am someones first thought in the morning and their last thought at night. That I am not just floating around like a ghost in this world, where no one seems to care about anyone else, and you are seen as crazy where you care too much.
I’ve never been good at good byes and I never will be. But this last year there have been many of them and I am getting better. The one that have left have always come back and texted me, albeit slightly drunk most of the time or stressing out, it makes me feel a little needed when they text. But I have always been there no matter what, and I will continue to be.
I dont know what brought this on. Maybe its sitting in front of this fireplace. Maybe its the fact that he has been texting me, and it’s making me reminisce on the past year. I don’t know, and I don’t care. I’m excited to see what the rest of the year brings and i’m excited to see the changes and decisions I make in the coming months and years.