And this is why i dont get close to many people.. because in the end they leave and it hurts. and its probably selfish of me to want him to stay but gosh i dont even know. It was painful to pick him up from the bar with the girl and then drop them both off at his house. but thats the type of person i am. i’ll do anything. Then its not like i even got a proper goodbye with him because he was drunk she was waiting for him and all i got was a hug and  i didnt want to let go. i wanted to say so many more things. maybe i’ll get to help him pack like he said sunday. then i can tell him and do it properly and maybe do one last diner in portland at his favorite spot and ill pay. if not ill just send him a text sunday evening. but shit i got too attached again and it hurts again…..

So I didn’t get into grad school. And now I have a headache and I’m just trying really hard to keep it together at this point. I just want something to go my way for once. I just feel like I’m letting everyone down because they all expected me to get in. That is what the plan has been, that’s what it’s always been. I don’t know. I’m just really upset and don’t really have anyone to talk to.
Now I have to figure out what I am going to do for the next year till I reapply.

You know when your so lonely it hurts. and you just want to be with that one person. When we started this we said we would keep it casual, no attachment. But right now i just want to cuddle up with him and relax, even if i can only relax for the night and go back to real life once i wake. Things are complicated. and i could be so close to sending a text…… Maybe i should have listened to tony. or maybe not….. things are complicated

Sitting here in my apartment by myself and writing my statement of purpose and i cam coming to realize I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I have no idea what i am going to do if i don’t get into grad school. Holy fuck i’m scared, and i know of two maybe three people i want to be with right now to just talk this out with but I’m too nervous to talk to them or ask them over. Though maybe i’ll talk to one tonight. I could use a fun night tonight, its been a while.

distract me (best ones i've seen so far)

I dont think some of my friends here at school realize how much they mean to me. And one of them is leaving on the 13th to Arkansas. And ive put on a brave face but i dont think he understands what he means to me and how much i appreciated him always being there for me when i need him. I just am really sad about this and i have never been good at goodbyes but this…. this is going to be hard with so much history. He keeps saying i’ll be fine and I believe him. Ive got until the goodbye party on thursday to figure it out.

This whole situation makes me not want to even go to graduate school….I don’t know. i didn’t think that i wracked up that much bad karma but i guess i did. I don’t know i just cant really handle it all at once right now. in struggling. 

I just wanted a relaxing spring break and then today I practically spent the whole day in tears. At least tomorrow i’ll go home to Portland and hopefully things might get a little better. 

Ohhh Hey Finals are OVER for me at least!!!!!!! Now i’m just hanging out with the roomy while she is studying away for her final that she is going to kill tomorrow! Then we are both FREEE! Watch out portland its about to get crazy!